83 Days: Working on the Crew

When I was just a bright-eyed ensign, I was assigned my first posting at the JFSB: waste-removal officer. I used to push around that huge garbage cart - which was grey and dingy like an old elephant - and apologize every time the wheels squeaked near one of my superior officers. I emptied each of the 133 garbage bins on my floor, then took the elephant-cart down to the dock, where I dumped it all into the trash compactors. The responsibility of my assignment weighed heavily on my mind: the knowledge that, without me, the entire building would be spilling over with rotten apples and old newspapers by the end of the week.

But, while I knew my job was important, I used to sneak glances around the corner at the duty station I really wanted, the job held in the highest esteem by everyone on the custodial crew. Only the most trusted officers were allowed to perform that job, though, and so I kept to my rancid trashcans and focused on working my way up.

Soon I was moving up through the ranks. As a Lieutenant Jr. Grade, I was moved to floor detail; I swept and scrubbed every inch of the immense, tiled floorspace. After a few more months I was reassigned to the South Hall, where I did everything from replacing dry-erase markers to vacuuming to scrubbing the walls. I was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant by the end of my first year, before leaving on a temporary assignment to Jupiter for four months.

When I got back, that venerated job I had always wanted was finally given to me. Having proved myself dedicated and hardworking, and having outlasted several crew reorganizations, I was finally assigned to the most envied post on the crew:

Bathrooms.



I know: You're confused, right? Or else you think I'm being sarcastic. Well, I'm not. Though it may sound odd, I'd much rather have this job than any other on the crew.

First off, I'm not going to pretend that scrubbing toilets is glamorous or even hygienic. (I'm sparing you the very, very many "crap" jokes, at this point.) Cleaning bathrooms has proved to me that toilets are far more disgusting than I ever imagined. There is just no way to pretend that it's fun when . . . ah, never mind. I'm losing readers enough as it is without all the descriptive bathroom stuff.

But all custodial jobs involve cleaning up after people, and we are always dealing with gross stuff: Soiled milk that spilled out of the garbage bag, chewed gum that's been stomped into the floor, TARANTULAS!!! (*shudders and looks over both shoulders*) At least in the bathroom you expect it, and get to work with really yummy-smelling chemicals! ...which I don't sniff...of course, because that would be bad . . .

And here are the awesome things about working bathrooms:

1) I get a partner, and when you're working in an empty building at 4:00 in the morning, it's nice to have someone around to hang out with.

2) There's variety; many of the jobs here involve repetitive, boring tasks, but since I'm on bathrooms, we switch off jobs at every new room and there's always a million things to do in there.

3) I get to stay in the same room for up to 45 minutes, instead of wandering from room to room to room the whole shift.

4) I can see the progress and get a real satisfaction, knowing that my job is vital to the daily functions of the university.

5) I get to go into the boys' bathroom every day. I feel like a total rebel!

Anyway, next time you use a public restroom, take a few seconds to think about the people who wake up freakishly early every morning, get on their hands and knees, and scrub that place from top to bottom so that you don't get some terrible disease. The people whose work is never noticed when it's done right, who are like elves in the night.

And if you see a custodian walking around, tell him thanks. We don't hear it very much.