Zombie Invasion Haikus

*My sister recently had to write a bunch of haikus for an English assignment. She asked me for help, and so I kind of got in the mood and wanted to write some more. Naturally, when I cast my mind about for a good topic, the first thing I thought of was the impending Zombie Rebellion. To you, the reader, I ask only that you "judge not, lest ye be judged." I DID write this in, like, ten minutes*


ZOMBIE HAIKUS

The window shatters.
I stick my arm through the hole
And unlock the door.

My hunting party
Stumbles past me and inside.
I roar in triumph.

It is a party.
Many of my friends are here.
(The ones who aren’t dead).

Angela sees me.
She waves with a frenzied air.
Her hand is severed.

Toby is eating,
Bent over a young girl’s form
And slurping her brains.

A few hearts still beat.
The sound is loud in my skull
And I follow it.

I find their hideout.
They see me and try to run.
They aren’t very fast.

Soon the house is still.
Everyone is digesting.
It’s a happy place.

There’s a joyful shout.
More survivors have been found.
Good. We are hungry.

Thoughts That Ran Through My Head Today

"Okay, how mad is everyone at work going to be when I show up with 1/6th of a gallon of milk instead of a jug of juice?"

"I'm army-crawling! That almost makes it cool that I'm scraping gunk from along the bottom of a wall."

"Aw, my roommates are all moved out. That's sad. They took the TV, they took the microwave . . . hey! what am I supposed to eat?"

"Oh, good! There is still a pot left in the apartment. I will make some delicious stew! That is a great ide-... NO SILVERWARE?! This is the worst!"

"Maybe I can use two mechanical pencils like a pair of chopsticks! ...Apparently not."

"Maybe if I take this lid and tape it to this nail file, I can make a spoon! Hm. No tape. Hmmmm. Bandaids are like tape, right? That's bound to work. ...Apparently not."

"It's raining! I like rain! I just wish that the rain made me look ridiculously attractive - like it does for people in the movies - instead of making me look like a drowned pup."

"Hey! I've got a whole day to myself! Plenty of time to pack and get ready for moving out tomorrow. ...Or, maybe I will sit here on the couch and watch a movie on my laptop. Just one episode, though. Then I'll be productive. ...Okay, maybe two episodes. And I'll just put this blanket on me because I'm cold, but I'm still going to be productiv-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

"Hm. I do believe that is Beth knocking on my door because we are late for Erin's play. Perhaps I ought to wake up and let her in."

"Well, it's only ten o'clock. I bet I can get all of my packing and cleaning done by midnight. I don't have that much stuff."

"Wait a minute! Where's my toaster?! MY ROOMMATES STOLE MY TOASTER!!!"

"Hm. Two o'clock in the morning. But I'm sure I'll be done soon. Then I can go to bed."

"Where the heck did all this stuff come from?!"

"Is it illegal for me to take home the meds my roommates left in the cupboard?"

"Oh, so they stole my toaster, but they decided to leave the expired milk. Typical."

"Four o'clock. If it wasn't Saturday morning now, I'd be at work. Maybe I should go to sleep soon. But I just packed all my bedding!"

"Hey, maybe eating all the cookie dough my roommates left in the fridge will keep me awake so I can finish working! Yes, that's brilliant! There's only enough for about twelve cookies, that's not bad."

"Yuck. Not brilliant, Jessica. Not brilliant. If you were a cartoon, you would be a balloon right about now, and all of your cartoon friends would have to roll you to the doctor."

"Dear, dear. I can't vacuum at five o'clock in the morning. My neighbors will hate me. But it's too late to go to sleep now. Maybe I'll do a blog post while I'm still loopy and don't care that I sound like an idiot."

"Or maybe .... I'll have a one-person DANCE PARTY!!!

100

(*NOISEMAKERS AND MUCH CONFETTI*)

Ladies and gentlemen, may I take a moment now to announce a legendary event: my 100th blog post! (*passes out cigars*) Yes, my adoring audience, I have reached new heights in my blabbering and rambling. And to celebrate, I am making this a special tribute blog post to all of the things I love. Let us bask in the awesomeness of these things and look forward with anticipation to all of the awesomeness yet to come.

100 Things That I Love

1. Spiderman

2. Math (Especially the kind you have to figure out by yourself)

3. My big, blue eyes

4. Dancing by myself in public

5. Writing something so awesome that I have to take a moment to congratulate myself

6. Going to sleep

7. Eating a lot of delicious food in good company

8. Friends I have known forever but who like me anyway

9. The number 9

10. Making grotesque facial expressions when I lip-sync to songs on my MP3 player

11. Soccer

12. The way hair gets all flowy under water and makes me look like a mermaid

13. Wearing high heels with jeans

14. Ducks

15. Reading, reading, reading, reading, READING!

16. Acting out whole scenes of musicals with my siblings

17. Getting totally awesome grass stains

18. William Turner from POTC

19. Musicals

20. Ostriches

21. Krakens

22. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing I still have a few more hours to sleep

23. Tap dancing

24. My LED lighted Frisbee

25. Chick flicks

26. Free food

27. The Book of Mormon

28. Sending really long, grammatically-correct text messages

29. Sneezing

30. Men who can sing

31. Crossword Puzzles

32. TV shows and movies from the 90s (Rugrats, Doug, Hey Arnold, …)

33. Star Trek – SO MUCH

34. The birthday song from Blue’s Clues the Movie

35. Getting a compliment from the grade screen in the Testing Center

36. Elvis Presley

37. Gaelic Storm

38. Personality Quizzes

39. Feeling the warmth of the sun

40. Reese’s candies of all sorts

41. Pens

42. Inside jokes

43. Aladdin

44. Making references to Harry Potter in everyday life

45. Reminiscing

46. Running pell-mell through a crowd of people

47. Cool hats

48. When my mom buys me stupid things (coloring books, weird magazines, bubbles, etc.) as a reminder never to take life too seriously

49. Looking in the mirror and thinking that maybe I’m pretty sometimes

50. Zombies

51. My roommates

52. Strawberry milk

53. Attacking people from behind (usually by jumping on them)

54. I LOOOO-ove to sing!

55. Writing in my journal/reading old journal entries

56. Dancing

57. Spinning around and around until I get really dizzy

58. NOT wearing braces anymore!

59. Getting letters in the mail

60. My lack of subtlety

61. 1^st Ward memories

62. My stuffed cheetah, Jumanji

63. Wearing fancy dresses

64. My wonderful, messed-up family

65. Taking naps . . . in class

66. Cookies and cream flavored ice cream

67. Winning at tic-tac-toe or rock-paper-scissors

68. Slap bracelets

69. Masks

70. Lovely flowers

71. Capes

72. Following the comics

73. Pandora.com

74. The Geico gecko

75. Feeling unpredictable and mysterious

76. Circus peanuts

77. Telling people that I work at 4:00 in the morning

78. Driving my dad’s motorcycle

79. Playing the guitar

80. Listening to someone play “Jessica’s Theme” on the piano

81. The Mario theme song

82. Perfume

83. Imagining my favorite TV/movie/book characters having the missionary discussions

84. The Phantom of the Opera

85. Jareth – The Goblin King

86. Gondolas

87. My Spanish professor (don’t tell; he has a wife and two kids)

88. Donating blood

89. American history

90. Doing interpretive dance with my girl friends when we don’t get asked to dance during slow songs

91. Making fun of engaged people

92. People with accents

93. Babies and small children

94. Alternative music

95. Tree houses

96. Reading my patriarchal blessing

97. Watching WWII movies with my dad

98. Having all the lyrics to “White and Nerdy” memorized

99. Escalators

100. Having a blog

I love all of you, too! So go get some ice cream or something. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a new national holiday!

Bustle

After having been shoved around and nearly-trampled constantly since August, it will all be over in a week and a half. If I can just give it everything I've got for this last hard push, I will finally get to rest.

(*steels herself*) Well, it's all or nothing.

--
--
--
--
--

P.S. This is a picture I actually took at BYU. I usually steal my pictures, but this one's really mine, fyi.

P.P.S. Does "bustle" even have a definition when it's separated from "hustle"?

EDIT:

P.P.P.S. - I named my octopus Arthur. :)

New Pet

I have a new imaginary friend. He is an octopus. He is about a foot and a half tall, and he's very fast and very smart. He knows how to breathe air! But I still have to put him in the bathtub once a week or he gets very cranky and sick.

Plus, he is not just any old octopus. He is an ATTACK OCTOPUS! He protects me from my enemies (like date-happy RMs and super boring professors) by lunging through the air and attaching himself to their face. Then he either suffocates them or squeezes their brains out, depending on my mood. Also, sometimes we do it just for fun to random people, and those people we usually let go of once they pass out.

The only problem with my new pet is that he doesn't have a name yet. (*sad face*) I've been trying really hard, but the right name just has to fit, you know? I've tried Oswald and Oscar and Jerry and Gerald and Timmy and Verne and Jules and Archie and I just haven't found one that works! I am very abashed and disappointed. My octopus is getting antsy and irritated. So, I ask you, what would you name YOUR octopus?

P.S. I am very hungry. But I don't want to cook. I want to walk into the kitchen and find a plate of food already prepared for me. Then I would throw my face on the food, swallow, and walk back to my room to get started on that homework I've been avoiding so well.

Here is a food picture. Just for you. But don't forget my question about the octopus.

Playing Dead

Today, I scrunched up and fell over onto my roommate's bed, playing dead. I twitched my face convulsively once and then lay very still for a while. But I was so good at it that I started to believe myself. I got scared and had to stop.