97 Days: Guest Speakers

Today, my lovelies, we have a special treat! I have with me, here in my very own home, three distinguished young women who have agreed to appear here on my blog and share their wisdom with you.

Our first guest comes from the land of Oz. An ex-hippogriff trainer, she spent several years in a nunnery cooking waffles before the entire abbey collapsed under the weight of the black plague, which was - of course - the secret ingredient in her famous waffles. She has been a blonde, a redhead, a man, and Carol Channing over the past seven years as she's been evading certain police officers and bounty hunters. Therefore, she will be appearing here tonight under a false name. Ladies and gentleman, ERIN ASAY!!




Our next guest comes from the land of cotton. Old times there are not forgotten. She's a geneticist, specializing in the alteration of piglet DNA. We're not supposed to tell you, but her house is actually full of flying pigs. She feeds them truffles. In her spare time, she enjoys walrus surfing, jousting, and making stupid people confused. Readers, I give you BETH BLACK!!



Our last guest was born in a black hole. To a pair of space squids. For her second birthday she ran around the world and punched herself in the back of the head. One time, she divided by zero. Then she led her horse to water AND made him drink. She frequently has cake and eats it too. She has a fashion line of dresses made out of CDs. She once went head to head with Lady Gaga in a cage match, just after she dove into the deepest part of the sea to retrieve the Titanic. She can fit the entirety of Atlantis in her mouth, and does it twice a day. The one, the only, AUBREY DEVEREAUX!!



Me: So, "Erin," you spent quite a lot of time in a nunnery. What was that all about?

Erin: Well, I was a trainer before... of hippogriffs, which is really my true passion... Anyway, there was this stable hand with glistening silver eyes like the moon on a warm summer night , hair like liquid mahogany, and abs like the sea after a storm. His name was James, and he and I were deeply, madly, desperately in love. We conducted a passionate secret affair where none but the hippogriffs could see, and we were deliriously happy for a time until my father found out, and he whisked me away to a nunnery where I would waste away and never see my love again. I cooked there for years... Waffles. I hate waffles. I've always hated waffles. And nuns. I hate nuns. So one day, when the strain got too much... Umm... Next question.

Me: Alright, this one's for Aubrey. How old are you, anyway?

Aubrey: I have no age. Time has no meaning to me. I have already done everything yet I haven't done anything at all. You can only see some of my many accomplishments which I performed in your "past." But there are many things that I have already accomplished that you do not see because they occur in the "future." Time is relative. Therefore, I have no age.

Me: Erm . . . good. That's good, Aubrey.

Aubrey: (*glares wisely*)

Me: (*gulps*) Okay! Beth, it's your turn. I have it from certain sources that you are in a relationship. So tell me, is it true that you're seeing an android?

Beth: A bipolar android, actually. But he's very sensitive so I prefer to avoid discussing psychological stuff. I mean, after all, he isn't a real man... (*smiles vaguely*) Which is precisely what makes him so sensational. Grenser is every bit as sensitive and manly as any human male...

Me: Well, best wishes to the both of you.

No, for real these three are my best friends. They are semi-normal people, though slightly unhinged as evidenced by the fact that they are at my house for a sleepover. So I'll give them a chance to speak as themselves. But since this is MY blog, MY house, and MY sleepover (*grunts angrily like a wild bull*) (jk) I'm going to make it a question about myself.

Me: Okay guys, last question. What is the one thing you have to know about Jessica Grosland?

Erin: She is simultaneously the best and worst person to watch movies with. She is the best because she reacts to everything in a big way, and even an old movie can seem new and exciting with her gasping and screaming "Don't go in there!" beside you. She is the worst because, if you like to run commentary and make fun of the movie as I do, she will kill you.

Aubrey: Grosland is probably smart and talented enough to rule the world but good and wise enough not to do it. She is also terribly fun, so if she did rule the world it probably wouldn't be so bad.

Beth: Gros... is Da' Gros. She is utterly frustrating and at the same time completely trustworthy. Her priorities make you grudgingly rearrange yours. Her literal creations make you ponder. Her steely gaze makes you reconsider your purpose. She. Is. Grosland. She'll respect and comfort you in whatever you may need - and asks only that you respect her demons and leave her to deal with them as only she can.
And she can make some wicked cupcakes...

Me: And I'd have to say that the thing you need to know about me is that I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for. Before I met them, I couldn't imagine anyone I could get along with so well. We are all crazy, all smart, all very confused about life sometimes, but we're always there for each other. And when things get too heavy, we go out for lime sherbet with blue sprinkles.

I love my friends.