99 Days: Sunday Posts

You may have noticed that in the past I have not been big on Sunday posts. (I don't remember ever posting on a Sunday, but I'm not sure and there's no way I'm going back through all of them to check.) I am a very religious person, you see, and it is my practice to avoid the computer on Sundays; it's my way of "keeping the Sabbath Day holy." This is a dilemma for someone who wants to blog every day.

Well, I thought about it and I realized that there's no reason I can't blog AND keep the Sabbath Day holy at the same time. So every Sunday my post will be related to the gospel. It may be a funny incident that happened in church, or a brief testimony, or what else have you. But I want to make sure that whatever it is, it is focusing my thoughts on the Savior.

Today at our church meeting we heard a lot about testimonies: how they're gained, what we can do to strengthen them, and ways that a strong testimony can bless our lives. So I'm going to tell you about my testimony for a bit, if that's all right with you.

I grew up in a religious family, going to church every week, and so ever since I was a little kid I knew a lot about the gospel. I understood its principles clearly from a very young age. In my head. But I've learned that a testimony is more than that. A testimony is knowing it in your head AND in your heart, so that it fills your whole soul. And I thought I had a testimony.

Through junior high and high school, my testimony was shaken up quite heavily. First, I began to doubt it simply because I was going through so many changes that come with age that I had to question everything and take an accounting of what still was and what wasn't anymore. I assume most people go through that. But then my father apostatized from our church. My testimony was thrown upside-down, because the person who had taught me the scriptures my whole life didn't believe them anymore. And on top of that, I went through a severe depression my junior year of high school. I didn't know who I was, and so I didn't know what I believed.

I have come through all of that and made it out okay. I have a firm and abiding testimony of the scriptures. I believe in prayer, and in the direct influence of Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ in our lives. I believe in ancient and living prophets, in the atonement, in sacred ordinances. But despite all of that, sometimes I feel like I know less about anything than I ever did before.

There is one thing, though, that I gained testimony of long ago, and that I have never doubted: I know that God loves me.

I was thirteen, and I was at a Girls Camp devotional. I'd been up there for a while, having a great time, but nothing special. This devotional was one of many we attended that week, but it is one that changed my life forever. Why? Was it an amazing talk? No. Was it a special program they arranged for the girls? No. It was the closing song. Just an item on the program; but it was so much more.

The song was "Walk Tall, You're a Daughter of God." I had never heard of it. I read the words off a piece of paper they'd handed to me, learning the song quickly, nothing new here. But then I got to the second verse, and the earth stood still for just a moment.

"Long before the time you can remember,
Our Father held you in his arms so tender.
Those loving arms released you
As He sent you down to Earth.
He said, "My child, I love you.
Don't forget your great worth."

I am not very good at visualizing. But there was an image that came suddenly to my mind of a little girl with a backpack standing before her father. She was going to a sleepover, and it was her first time away from home. Her dad hugged her one last time before sending her out the door, and he whispered that he loved her and couldn't wait for her to get home.

And the father was God. And the little girl was me.

BOOM. Tears were pouring down my face, my throat cinched up immediately and the purest feeling of love engulfed me like a fire. I almost staggered from shock at the intensity of the knowledge. He loves me. I am His daughter, of course He loves me. I tried to finish the song but I could barely speak.

I have bad days. I have days when everything goes wrong, when it's all my fault, when I feel like I don't even like myself anymore. But even on those days, in the core of my being there is a little glowing light that is my testimony of God's love. And I know that no matter how awful the day was, no matter how crummy I feel, no matter how many things I've gotten miserably wrong, He still loves me. Even if I have betrayed Him, even if I have willfully disobeyed and rebelled against Him, He still loves me.

It is the greatest miracle in my life. And it is what makes life worth living.