The Senior Ball was so much fun! I thoroughly enjoyed myself . . . until about 9:30. The dining was a lot of fun, and it was great to be with only the seniors, and at first the dancing was fun, but then I realized that almost every song they played sounded just like the last one.
Also, there was the problem of slow-songs.
At first, I chose the slow-songs as the perfect time to go get a drink or get some air simply out of a self-protecting habit. I HATE standing around hoping that some guy with ask me to dance. I HATE feeling like an object on the shelf waiting to be bought. And mostly I am really embarrassed a lot of the time because when it comes to Stag Dances, I just don't get asked to dance very often. So instead of letting the boys get to decide whether or not I was going to dance, I took matters into my own hands.
But then Eric grabbed my arm as I was coming back in and asked where I had disappeared to. I innocently pretended I had no idea what he was talking about. But I knew things had just gotten worse. I saw him talking to Logan and Jeremy and glancing over at me, and I realized I had just become a charity case. I could see it in their eyes. "Oh no! Jessica's not dancing and having fun! Well, since we're polite and want everyone to feel included, one of us should ask her to dance."
I would not stand for this. Truth be told, I desperately wanted to dance. But I wanted to dance with someone who wanted to dance with me because he LIKED me, not because he FELT SORRY for me. And now I couldn't trust any of their motives. If I danced now, how could I not have doubts about why?
So I avoided it some more. I saw them glancing over to make sure they knew where I was, and then when they looked away I left early. I knew another slow-song was coming and so I inched towards the door. I made it. I made it through the entire Senior Ball without dancing. Yay me.
I was irritated with myself. I wanted to dance. But then again, I really didn't want to dance just because I was pitied. And so when Logan came over to say he had been looking for me, and why did I keep disappearing, I responded, "As if anyone really wanted to dance with me."
"As if me and Eric didn't look for you."
"Because I was a charity case."
"What?!"
"I hate standing around waiting to be bought. I saw you guys feeling sorry for me. I don't want to be a charity case!"
"You're not a charity case!"
"I don't believe you."
"Whatever. I really wanted to dance with you."
(sadly) "...I don't believe you."
(testily) "You don't have to!"
And then I walked away most dramatically, hitting myself in the head for ruining things yet again.
I don't want to appologize. I told the truth. I really don't think they care above their own politeness. We used to be best friends. I thought they still wanted that. I still wanted that. But they found new friends, a new group. They were never as popular as when they stopped hanging out with me. And I try to come back in. And they try to let me in. And then I realize they don't need me anymore. And I still need them. And thus, I'm pathetic and stupid.
...
...
...
(*crawls into ball in the corner*) Go away. Leave me alone.
5 comments:
Jessica.
you're crazy.
not a charity case.
everyone loves and cares about you.
especially those boys.
let's talk sometime.
Oh Jessica you're killing me! I'm sorry things are crazy for you. You need to remember that we (as girls) look into EVERYTHING way too much! (I do it all the time) Boys don't think about things like we do. I have learned that they don't take every movement, every word, and put positive/negative meaning to it. We are the ones making things complicated for ourselves.
They want to be your friend, I know they do. It doesn't have to be this complicated though, keep it simple. We need to talk somewhere besides knitting...there's too many ears. :)
Bloody Heavens! You make me really angry sometimes, Jessica! You seem to invent problems for yourself where they don't exist!
First of all, no pity-case glance-over-at-Jessica conversation ever took place. Eric never said anything about you disappearing until after I mentioned it to him. I don't care if you believe it, it's the truth.
Second, I can't believe that you actually think I am the sort of person that would just *pretend* to enjoy dancing with you. I'm not that shallow. If I weren't actually your friend I would probably be a jerk and do my best to ignore you, not seek you out and ask you to dance.
You know that I wouldn't purposely be fake. In fact, most of our Junior year I was a jerk. We had all of our lovely drama going on and so I tried my best to ignore it. But recently I thought, "Hey, I've been kinda rude to Jessica for a long time. I don't hate her, I actually enjoy her company and count her as one of my good friends." So I stopped trying to push you away and instead decided to try mending our old friendship.
Yes, times have changed. We may not ever be the same unstoppable trio we once were, but that doesn't mean we can't move on and be good friends. All I was trying to do is dance with you because I wanted to be good friends.
So please, don't create drama where it doesn't need to exist. You are not a charity case. I don't feel sorry for you. Let's be friends.
I have to agree with the two before me. Girl, you are worth so much more to yourself than that!
They see you as a great friend and NOT a charity case.
Don't beat yourself up about it! They like you for who you are, no matter what mood you're in. (Dancing or not)
I think those two know you better than a lot of us do.
Don't lose that. They really do care about you!
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