So, every time I come home to Springville, I inevitably run into neighbors or ward members who ask me, "How's life in college?" Mind you, this question is always asked with a bright, smiley face and an air of great excitement. So I follow the script. "Oh, it's great! I really love college; I'm having lots of fun and getting to do exciting things. I mean, sometimes the homework is a little hard . . . " I always laugh half-heartedly at this point. Then whoever I'm talking to gives me a sympathetic grin and says, "But I'm sure it's nothing for YOU. I bet you're getting all A's and just having a breeze with it."
FYI, this is NOT the case.
And every time someone says that this is the high point of my life, I want to latch onto their knees and sob, "PLEASE don't say that!"
The honest-to-goodness truth is that college may be the hardest thing I've ever done, and that it is driving me to the very thin, cracked dirt edge of insanity. I have never been so exhausted: I'm exhausted physically because I'm running around campus all day and getting the bare minimum amount of sleep necessary for survival; I'm exhausted mentally because I'm taking a bunch of really hard classes and have to figure out how to squeeze in enough time to finish as much homework as I can before I fall into a minor coma; and I'm exhausted emotionally because I have no connection with my ward, almost no friends whatsoever, and I feel like I'm failing at everything I try because for the first time in my life I'm skipping class and not turning in all of my assignments.
I am so high-strung that my body has gone on some protective disconnect mode. I'm aware of everything I'm doing, but half of my brain is turned off so that I don't actually have to think about how far down the drain I've slipped. I also am aware of my emotions mentally, but my heart is shut down so that I don't really feel the impact of my immense distress. I can't afford to, you see, or I'd probably curl up in a ball, hide under my bed, and be completely useless for weeks. If I'm to make it through finals, I have to numb myself to the pain.
It works really well for the whole day, but I have no defenses at night. When I finally put away my half-finished homework at ten or so (remember, I have to wake up at three) and crawl into my pajamas, there is this moment of panic when I realize that I don't have anything to do and my emotions pounce on me like a sumo wrestling tiger. (If you didn't laugh at that image, you are truly lost.) I slide into bed, ignoring the heavy weight on my chest and lay in the dark for a long time before I'm finally able to fall into a restless sleep. Then I wake up at three and go to work and the whole thing starts all over again.
(*deep breath and sigh*)
Honestly though, with my heart and head turned off, I'm pretty happy most of the time. Everyone who comes into contact with me thinks I'm doing just fine - hence my ability to lie relentlessly to people who ask how I'm doing. But I think my edge might be slipping. This morning, one of my coworkers looked at me concernedly and asked if I was alright. I blinked and told her of course I was. She was not convinced, "Are you sure? Because you look . . ."
My thoughts raced for an excuse to keep her from worrying about me. Finally, I stuck with the old favorite, a perfectly normal answer for any college student, and particularly one who works at four in the morning: "I'm really tired."
She smiled. "Yeah, I understand." But still, she looked as though she didn't believe me. And as I thought about it, thought about all of this stuff, I realized that I might be doing worse than I let myself believe.
So, this is just a statement of notification. If you need something from me, you had better get it in the next four weeks. Because once I walk out of the testing center after my last final, I'm liable to keel over dead into one of BYU's ever-so-lovely flowerbeds.
12 comments:
I do believe that our eyes can be the windows to our souls. We can hide many things, but all those emotions running around inside us eventually peek out through our eyes. Your coworker was looking in your eyes maybe?
College the highlight of your life? A great life learning experience on so many many levels, yes, but you've got better stuff coming, just by living your life. You can also evaluate the experience and see if you want to make any adjustments as to how your going about this college thing.
"Real Life" isn't always kind, (I think you know that) but you've got so, so many people and prayers on your side. We're some of them...best wishes as you prepare for finals, keep going, but remember to be kind to yourself too!
I would never assume it is easy for you. It is a tough life to hold together the classes and homework alone, and then add in an early morning work schedule. I don't know how you do it. I am dying, myself, trying to take care of my family and teach and go to school. It is NOT the high point of your life. There is better yet to come.
Keep plugging away.
You are not alone sister. I am totally with you and totally hear for you. Please call me if you ever need to chat, I was given some great advice on the subject that smacked me back into reality.
You know you aren't doing yourself a favor when you black out during your own solo performance, true story. Sounds like I want to take you out to get ice cream sometime. You name it, We'll go. I think you rock. You have always been and always will be an inspiration to me Jessica and I hope you know that I really do mean that. You are the strongest girl I've ever met and I am just grateful to know you are human just like the rest of us. I love you Jessica and I am rooting for you.
Wait until you come home to die. Then you can hibernate for a week if you want.
I'm sorry you're dying; I hope you weren't growing horns or something this morning; and I believe in you!
And I don't think this is even close to the best time of your life. The people who tell you that are delusional.
DON'T DIE!!!!!!
Okay, like really. Don't. All things pass Gros! You pulled up more than you could do this semester, and you've made it this far. You'll be totally fine, I promise.
I know you don't really want to hear that, and you don't believe me. But really! There's too much to look forward to in the future for you to die!!
How many credits are you taking?
If you keel over dead in one of the flower beds at BYU some other poor stressed out BYU student will have to replant those flowers. You should keel over off campus for sure, or atleast next to the enter to learn, go forth to serve sign. THAT would be ironic. But seriously, your post makes me feel tired, which I already was. I think my freshman year was the hardest. You are almost through the toughest part so hang on! You are fantastic!
Hang in there Jessica, only like... 2 more weeks right? you can do it! as a fellow student though, I know how you feel, of the last 72 hours I spent ~20 of it sleeping, maybe 10 in a class, probably 5 eating, and an astounding 30 Hours In The Library! where oddly enough I am right now... :) sigh... we can do it!
Let me know which flower bed and I'll put dirt on top of you.
Love,
Me.
oh I'm so sorry! You can make it, the semester is almost over! Good luck chica!
Well, since everybody else put lovely tidbits of inspiration I'm going to counter them a little.
Drop out of school. Problem Solved.
Your Friend (who is not in school),
--Logan
;)
Oh Jess . . .
Your mom said that I should not try to solve other people's problems! But, here is my advice for what it is worth (for next year, I guess!):
1. Quit your job. Work like the dickens in summer, but don't work during the school year, or if you do, find one for just a few hours during daylight.
2. Don't come home. It's when you are sitting around in your apartment with nothing to do that you bond with your roomates, and your ward, and with the crazy people upstairs looking for wirecutters and a glue gun. (It's also when you'll get your own crazy ideas of what to do for fun!) Stay up late (this is why you need a different job) so you can join in the late night craziness. It is the social life that makes college fun. You are missing it. Pretend like you are 600 miles from home instead of just 6!
I think it just might turn college into a whole different experience!
Either way, you are doing great! And it is okay to not take any of my advice because you DO know what is best for you!
Hold on! You're almost there!
Look at all these awesome people that love you and are pulling for you. Please add me to the list.
For what it's worth, I breezed through high school. Easy peasy. Got two scholarships for BYU and off I went. Then wham! I finished my first year on academic probation. I felt kind of blindsided, but the bottom line is that I had spread myself too thin. Tried to do too much to fast.
It takes time to figure things out and find a reasonable balance. I'm still working on it.
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