Childhood Ambitions

There is a moment that comes into a person's life - for me, it was after graduating college - when that person realizes: "Oh! This is life. Right now. This is the time I'm supposed to do the thing." And maybe when that moment comes, you know what "the thing" is - I imagine that makes life a lot simpler. But maybe you don't know what "the thing" is, and you end up spending weeks or months trying to figure it out before you realize that you need money in order to buy food, so you just start doing SOMETHING and hope that "the thing" will find you eventually.

And during this time of wondering what "the thing" might be, perhaps you look for guidance in the wisdom of your five-year-old self. In your mind, the older and more confused you flees the complications of adult life and seeks out the innocent surety you remember from kindergarten. After all, your five-year-old self didn't have all that self-consciousness to confuse her. She was completely self-oblivious, and that gave her the courage to dream without restraint. So you go back in time to see if your five-year-old self knew what "the thing" was.

What did you want to be when you grew up? Because it's here - you're grown - and it's time to be whatever it is you're going to be.

I was thinking about this just the other day. I remember being five. I remember being blonde and scabby-kneed, doing the monkey bars in a black and white striped dress with big, rainbow buttons. I was brave and kind, brash and delightful. And I remember what I wanted to be when I grew up:

A clown.

No, really! When I was five, I thought that clowns were the coolest people on the planet. They get to wear crazy costumes and make-up; they are in the CIRCUS (funnest place imaginable); they can do cool tricks; and the whole job is just performing in front of people and making them laugh - which was my very favorite pastime! Who doesn't want to make people laugh?

Also, one of my favorite people was a clown: Ronald McDonald.

(Watching this video, I still think he's pretty much the best ever.)

We went to McDonalds a lot when I was a kid (my parents met while they were working there, so I get it's basically the foundation of my entire existence). We used to have birthday parties there, too. Those were the days when Ronald and friends were well-known: Grimace, Hamburglar, Birdie . . . I knew them all, but Ronald was my favorite. And he was a clown, so in my five-year-old mind, clowns = awesome.

There may have been one other thing that contributed to my clown ambitions: my dad is a juggler.

Not professionally, mind you. He works as a computer programmer, and has for as long as I can remember. But when he came home from work, he used to play with me. I had these toys that were like little egg-shaped people, and he used to astound me by picking up three of them and juggling them right before my eyes. That was the moment I knew my dad was the most amazing man in the world.

I got him to teach me. I own my own juggling balls now, and I practice every so often to make sure I haven't forgotten how to do it.

I never did become a clown. I started playing soccer in 2nd grade, and became certain that I wanted to be a professional soccer player. Then in 5th grade my teacher was impressed by a short story I wrote, and I became convinced that I would be a published author. Then we started doing career reports in junior high, and all I knew at that point was that the Occupational Outlook Handbook (which we had to study) could make ANY career sound utterly miserable. Dreams fell by the wayside.

But you know, I did put on a circus once with my cousins and younger siblings. I'm pretty sure I made the littlest ones pretend to be lions - I was the star of every act, AND the announcer/ringleader - and our only audience was my parents and my aunt and uncle. It took maybe half an hour to put it together and rehearse it, and maybe ten minutes to perform it in the basement of our little house. But looking back, maybe that was my moment. We had a great time, and I was proud as a peacock, even if I hadn't quite mastered my juggling by that point.

That may have been the peak moment of that dream. After all, I never did become a clown.

But hey. There's still time.